Book of Days: February 25, Retreat

Waves lapped against the rocks, the low sound reaching up and over the shore to where Lennie sat on a three legged stool and leaned his back against the curved wall of the lighthouse. It was still warm with the heat of the day, though the sun had set an hour ago and the light above was on, spinning it’s warning to any ships that might happen to pass near.

The light was brighter than the yellow moon that seemed to slouch across the sky, clouds giving it a sagging look in the middle. It’s feeble rays were yellow, though Lennie had never paid enough attention to know what that indicated. He’d been more interested in what lay beneath the water than what moved amongst the sky. It might have done him good to pay attention to both, and he made a mental note to rectify that. After all, he was in need of a new class, a new hobby to keep him occupied.

It wasn’t as isolated a job as it once had been, being keeper of the lighthouse. People could drive their cars out to say how-do-you-do whether they wanted, and in any case, he had satellite internet, which meant he was as connected and available as anyone, even if he was able to get away with the old, “connection was poor” excuse better than most.

All the same, it was quiet, and those drop-ins were infrequent. He found he spent most of his days not only alone, but without a ping from the messenger apps, unless he started up the conversation. It could be people he knew just knew him well, or it could be they thought anyone fool enough to set himself up in a lighthouse must want to be alone.

They wouldn’t be wrong, if that was their assumption. He’d made the choice to get away, from the world, from life, from people. He thought if he could quiet everything else, then he might be able to hear himself. Might finally, after years of trying to be anyone else but, figure out who he was and who he wanted to be.

He snorted and shook his head at his own foolishness, but it was still true. His life had been devoted to being the son his father had wanted, the student his teachers wanted, the sports player his coaches had wanted, and he was set to pick a school to continue it all when he realized he didn’t know what he wanted and never had. It was a frightening realization, given he’d always felt comfortable with his position in life, and he’d made some terrible choices to try and get out before he stumbled on the saving grace that was the job in the lighthouse.

It was strange, though. He could admit it to himself and the sagging moon, though not to anyone else: all these years with only himself for company, and he still didn’t know who he wanted to be, much less who he was.

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by | Feb 25, 2021

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